Thoughts on Comfort
The Emotional Progression Model, as described in Magic Bullets, explains the phases a courtship process goes through. It starts with approaching a woman, then transitioning to a normal conversation, making her feel attracted to you, qualifying her and showing interest, building an emotional connection (comfort), seducing her, and ultimately start a relationship. One of the biggest phases in the Emotional Progression Model is the comfort phase, but it is also often a misunderstood phase.
The comfort phase happens after she is attracted to you and you have made her work for your attention (qualification). This is where you are really getting to know each other and you two become real. Famous comedian Chris Rock has a skit where he says whenever you go to a bar or club and meet people, you actually don't meet the real person. You are meeting their representatives. This is very true. The initial phases where you approach, transition, and attract is where you will be dealing with the representative of the girl you are interested in. During qualification you are trying to get rid of the representative and bit by bit you will start talking to the real person. When you are in the comfort phase, you are passed talking to the representative and you are now meeting the real person. Now the bulk of the work comes to play.
Most of your interactions are going to be in the comfort phase. You are trying to build an emotional connection with the woman you're interested in and solidify the levels of attraction she feels for you. The latter is very important. If you want to date a girl, you can only build an emotional connection after she is attracted to you and she has surpassed the qualification phase. A lot of guys have the sequence wrong. They start off with building comfort and then hope that she will get attracted to him. This is one of the big mistakes guys make and it gets them in the friendzone (besides not physically escalating).
NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with the attraction phase, you can listen to an audio file named Introduction to Attraction. If you are unfamiliar to Qualification, I would recommend listening to the audio files Qualification and Issues in Qualification.
If you build too much comfort, even after going through the attraction and qualification phases, will get you in the friendzone too. This is a common issue when guys first start to learn and try to master their comfort game.
Dale Carnegie says in his book How To Win Friends and Influence People that people want to feel two things: respected and understood. This is very basic and part of building comfort with a woman you are interested in. You try to find commonalities and shared interests between you and the woman. Commonalities validate the thoughts and values she has in herself because she sees someone has them too. That's why people naturally gravitate towards each other with common interest. Initially, you want to establish that you two have something in common but do not go to deep on the common interest. You want to establish wide rapport first (you two have a lot of topics you like to talk about on superficial level) and then flesh out certain topics to create deep rapport (sharing personal information and building that emotional connection).
However, you should also go beyond talking about what you two have in common. You should be sharing stories and topics that she has not experienced before. Talking about such subjects will help her to set you apart and make you more memorable to her. A lot of guys will get phone numbers of girls but these girls never respond to their text messages or pick up the phone. You can prevent flaky phone numbers if you know how to properly build comfort with a girl.
Avoid telling stories where you were wronged by women and telling sad stories with bed endings. With sad stories you want to display vulnerability, it makes you look like a real person, but make sure it ends on a positive note. Plus, avoid topics with emotional baggage, like how you broke up with your ex-girlfriend and avoid talking about bad past relationships. Good topics for comfort include talking about your passions, hobbies, travels, childhood memories, ambitions, and family. There are a lot more but talking about these topics makes you more of a 3-dimensional person and more memorable than the random guy she just met.
The level of trust and comfort you want to build with a woman also depends on what you want out of the interaction. If you want to have a one-night stand, there is not much comfort building needed. It just has to be good enough where she is comfortable around you. Or put another way, she doesn't feel any discomfort like fear for abuse, rape, or murder. A little bit more of comfort is needed when you want to have a friends with benefits relationship. However, if you want to get a girlfriend, then a lot of trust and comfort needs to be built. Again, too much comfort will make her see you as a friend, not someone she would date.
If you want to learn more on building trust and comfort with women, definitely check out the Love Systems Interview Series on Introduction to Comfort. You can listen to the first ten minutes for free, just click here.
Thanks to the 'Love Systems' people.
The Emotional Progression Model, as described in Magic Bullets, explains the phases a courtship process goes through. It starts with approaching a woman, then transitioning to a normal conversation, making her feel attracted to you, qualifying her and showing interest, building an emotional connection (comfort), seducing her, and ultimately start a relationship. One of the biggest phases in the Emotional Progression Model is the comfort phase, but it is also often a misunderstood phase.
The comfort phase happens after she is attracted to you and you have made her work for your attention (qualification). This is where you are really getting to know each other and you two become real. Famous comedian Chris Rock has a skit where he says whenever you go to a bar or club and meet people, you actually don't meet the real person. You are meeting their representatives. This is very true. The initial phases where you approach, transition, and attract is where you will be dealing with the representative of the girl you are interested in. During qualification you are trying to get rid of the representative and bit by bit you will start talking to the real person. When you are in the comfort phase, you are passed talking to the representative and you are now meeting the real person. Now the bulk of the work comes to play.
Most of your interactions are going to be in the comfort phase. You are trying to build an emotional connection with the woman you're interested in and solidify the levels of attraction she feels for you. The latter is very important. If you want to date a girl, you can only build an emotional connection after she is attracted to you and she has surpassed the qualification phase. A lot of guys have the sequence wrong. They start off with building comfort and then hope that she will get attracted to him. This is one of the big mistakes guys make and it gets them in the friendzone (besides not physically escalating).
NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with the attraction phase, you can listen to an audio file named Introduction to Attraction. If you are unfamiliar to Qualification, I would recommend listening to the audio files Qualification and Issues in Qualification.
If you build too much comfort, even after going through the attraction and qualification phases, will get you in the friendzone too. This is a common issue when guys first start to learn and try to master their comfort game.
Dale Carnegie says in his book How To Win Friends and Influence People that people want to feel two things: respected and understood. This is very basic and part of building comfort with a woman you are interested in. You try to find commonalities and shared interests between you and the woman. Commonalities validate the thoughts and values she has in herself because she sees someone has them too. That's why people naturally gravitate towards each other with common interest. Initially, you want to establish that you two have something in common but do not go to deep on the common interest. You want to establish wide rapport first (you two have a lot of topics you like to talk about on superficial level) and then flesh out certain topics to create deep rapport (sharing personal information and building that emotional connection).
However, you should also go beyond talking about what you two have in common. You should be sharing stories and topics that she has not experienced before. Talking about such subjects will help her to set you apart and make you more memorable to her. A lot of guys will get phone numbers of girls but these girls never respond to their text messages or pick up the phone. You can prevent flaky phone numbers if you know how to properly build comfort with a girl.
Avoid telling stories where you were wronged by women and telling sad stories with bed endings. With sad stories you want to display vulnerability, it makes you look like a real person, but make sure it ends on a positive note. Plus, avoid topics with emotional baggage, like how you broke up with your ex-girlfriend and avoid talking about bad past relationships. Good topics for comfort include talking about your passions, hobbies, travels, childhood memories, ambitions, and family. There are a lot more but talking about these topics makes you more of a 3-dimensional person and more memorable than the random guy she just met.
The level of trust and comfort you want to build with a woman also depends on what you want out of the interaction. If you want to have a one-night stand, there is not much comfort building needed. It just has to be good enough where she is comfortable around you. Or put another way, she doesn't feel any discomfort like fear for abuse, rape, or murder. A little bit more of comfort is needed when you want to have a friends with benefits relationship. However, if you want to get a girlfriend, then a lot of trust and comfort needs to be built. Again, too much comfort will make her see you as a friend, not someone she would date.
If you want to learn more on building trust and comfort with women, definitely check out the Love Systems Interview Series on Introduction to Comfort. You can listen to the first ten minutes for free, just click here.
Thanks to the 'Love Systems' people.